Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
