Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
