kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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