genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
