I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
