a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
