You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
