put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Life is so much better after having sex.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
