There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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