I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
When are your genitals available?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
