We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
