...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
