woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
