I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
