Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
