You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Randomize
