I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
