Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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