Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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