dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
