What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
