need another drink. this is the easiest way
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
