Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
