My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
