I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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