he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
