Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
