Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
