I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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