last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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