Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
