Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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