I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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