oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
