Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
