i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
