Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
