We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
