my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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