apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Randomize
