did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
