am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
