I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
