You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
