I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
