i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
