she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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