I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
All I want is dick and wine.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize