chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
