Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
