they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
