My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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