I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
